• Pandemiployment

Things I Have Asked My Pediatrician

I haven't pooped in the four days since I gave birth. Are these stool softeners doing anything?


He GRUNTS in his sleep. This cannot be normal. I haven't slept in two months.


When can I put sunscreen on this kid? This ozone layer situation has me stressed.


Do you think this mole on the back of her head looks funny? Three days later. Wait, it's gone. Do you think it's bad that it's gone?


When do you change from an infant car seat to a bigger car seat? Son seems pissed off in the infant car seat, is that like a sign to move him to the convertible car seat or do I just keep cramming his body back into the straps while he yowls?


Do you think Son is saying enough words? What's the average vocabulary of a 15 month old? I mean he shrieks with inflection, does that count?


What color poop should he have?


It's not just corn, ALL the vegetables he eats are visible out the other end. Normal, or is he a mutant?


You're asking ME, do I have any concerns? I don't know, SHOULD I have concerns? Those apps that list baby development by the hour (and on hour 4,356 your baby should coo with eye contact) drive me nuts, so I'm not sure if I'm missing any developmental red flags.


Should I worry about pinworms? I don't think I can handle worms coming out of anyone's butt.


You cannot be serious on how I check if he has pinworms.


You are serious. Ok then.

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