• Pandemiployment

Permission Slip: Stop Breastfeeding

I give ___________________ permission to stop producing breast milk on ________________ date.

She might have breastfed for the One Year Mark and be done with this shit.

She might have breastfed for Six Months Exclusively and be done with this shit.

She might have breastfed for an Unspecified Amount of Time and be done with this shit.

She might have Exclusively Pumped because there was a problem with the latch or her baby got a bad case of the Distracteds at two months and kept popping off (ouch!) to look around at the shiny pretty things or WHATEVER and she is definitely done with the slow drip drip drip into the collection bottles like Edgar Allen Poe's pendulum driving her bonkers, while her toddler screeches and King Kongs the living room (just me?) and she did NOT look like this whilst doing it.

I hereby ascertain that the aforementioned Lady Lactator has done her duty, be it one attempt in the hospital with that pushy nurse breathing down her neck or three years until the child was able to ask for the boob in a grammatically correct sentence and can pull a stool over to reach it.

Lo, she has given of her milk. Many are the calories she consumed to sustain the supply. Long were the nights. Dark the days of cluster feeding. Her nipples are the size of dinner plates, and after much cracking and some bleeding, have lost all feeling. The stretch marks tell the story, here lie boobs who have fought mightily in battle. They will decrease now, like little deflated balloons, sad little pancakes standing in memoriam to the days of pre-pregnancy perk, and milk-induced inflation.

Let those puppies rest mama, you have done enough!


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