• Pandemiployment

Fed is Best, Everyone Totally Supports Your Choices In Feeding Your Baby!

Did you choose breastfeeding? Cool! Just make sure not to leak. And don't even think about feeding in public, naked breasts are only for Porn and Victoria's Secret Ads, you perv. No one wants to see that dinner plate nipple. Just hide in a bathroom stall like a nice, normal woman, properly ashamed of a perfectly natural, non-sexual act that is literally keeping her baby alive. Now don't do it too long, don't you think Junior is a bit old to still be on the boob? Enjoy paying for those extra therapy sessions.

Did you choose formula? Cool! I mean sounds like capitalism got you good, huh? Fell right into the marketing trap. Here, take some samples home from the hospital and get your kid hooked, that's a good little lemming. I mean your kid might have a lower IQ by a negligible amount of IQ points that will literally never matter, but that's your choice. Which kind did you buy, btw? Is it the organic neuro-oxidated locally grown vegan cruelty-free kind? No? Huh, well good luck, because your kiddo will be weaning off this stuff and straight on to heroin.

Did you choose to exclusively pump? Cool! Your child will grow up malnourished in that most important of nutrients, HER MOTHER'S LOVE. Nothing but the cold, cold bottle. You ever see that horrific experiment with the little baby monkeys who chose to starve and cuddle with a cloth monkey mama instead of the wire monkey that held a bottle? I'm not saying you're a monster, or anything, but have you heard of bonding? Did the lessons learned in Romanian Orphanages not sink in for you?

Did you choose to supplement? Cool! You could have tried a little harder though, in my honest opinion. Women with supply issues probably need some help with prioritizing. You love your baby, right? Did you try the supplements made of brewer's yeast, fenugreek, and guano? Have you been power pumping on the hour, every hour? Have you been praying? Actualizing your desired outcome? Making a vision board? Prepare for nipple confusion, because your kiddo is going to reject the boob for that easy whore bottle, just letting milk spill out all over the damn place.

Don't worry mama, the entire world supports you and will tell you, constantly, how proud they are of you for making the best choice possible for yourself and your little bambino.

Speaking of...how much does your baby weigh? Ohhhhhhhh no...

If you need a Permission Slip to Feed Your Baby Any Way You Damn Please, Step Right This Way

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